When it comes to deciding which direction to go in my life, it’s rarely been crystal clear. Truth be told, I’ve always felt like something was wrong with me because the thought of committing to a career path or a long-term goal has always given me the heebie-jeebies - similar to how I react to big, hairy spiders.
In high school, I thought I wanted to be an attorney...then I found I’m not gifted in debating, and tend to be lax with rules.
I had teachers and coaches tell me someday I’d be an English teacher and volleyball coach...then I realized I’m not a big reader and the coaching door has never really opened for me.
In college, I wanted to be a corporate trainer...then I realized I have little patience for “corporate speak” and I refuse to be expected to wear panty hose.
More recently, I put to rest my long-lived idea of going to seminary, and lasted one semester before I realized I appreciate job clarity, especially when money is leaving my bank account.
Now I find myself in massage school (something that’s been in my mental hopper since I had my first massage in high school)...and it feels good...and it feels calm...
...which makes me wonder: “What’s wrong?”
Shouldn’t I be feeling a strong sense of doubt right about now? Shouldn’t I think another direction looks more attractive? Shouldn’t I wonder if it’s really worth the time, energy & money going into it?
Oddly enough, I think for the first time in my life, I feel pretty content...which is really nice, and ironically a little uncomfortable.
Which is why the night before my first class for this term, I had a little meltdown and a great cry. I asked myself all the questions I listed above. Through the tears, and Brian’s listening ear, I discovered my answers were thankfully “no” to each one...so I stopped crying and felt free to simply be excited for class in the morning!
My dad worked for the railroad for 40 years. Forty years!!! The same company, the same job track, the same environment...for 40 years. When I asked him why he did it, he simply said that he always had seniority and the pay was good, and he was able to be an available dad and be a part of his kids’ lives. He also told me not to do the same thing...the 40 years, that is. (Thirty was too much, in his words.)
If I had half the discipline my dad had (& has), I’d be living a different life right now...and as grateful as I am to my dad, I’m thankful for the road I’ve taken.
Not all of us can be like Pete Yost.
For me, it’s been a spotty trek, and mostly I’ve learned a lot about what I don’t want to do. And because of that, I guess I’m finally starting to get a clue about what I do want to do...at least, for now...but who knows, I could always change my mind, right?
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